Essential Ingredients to a Happy family

One of my favorite Chinese dishes is called Happy Family.  I assume there are variations of this dish but for the most part there are some essential ingredients.  The different ingredients add not only color and flavor but also nutrition.  Just like a family system I believe the father is one of the essential "ingredients"of a happy family.  The very first thing a man does that sets him on the path to being an effective father is falling in love with his sweetheart.  Then he needs to marry her.  When he marries her he needs to develop a close, loving and intimate bond with her.  They now are ready to bring children into this union.  The love he feels for his wife leads to a desire to take part in the care taking of the children.  The time he invests in caring for the children leads to a deep bond with his children and a desire to provide and protect them.  Children feel the love from their parents and feel secure when they see that their parents love each other.  This leads to a happy family!  See picture below:

Conflict Resolution

Perhaps conflict resolution may be the one thing I am most under qualified to blog about.  But I do have an opinion and hopefully some insight.  Having four kids means there is always conflict at some level in our home, and resolution can be a struggle to achieve.  What I have found is that anger drives The Spirit away, but resolving problems can draw you nearer to God.  Perhaps this is because in anger we sometimes relinquish control of our emotions, words, actions etc.  This allows Satan the opportunity to "take control."  He is then able to orchestrate destruction.  Destruction of self-esteem, family bonds, love, friendship and harmony in the home.  In the rubble you will find failed marriages and broken families.  On the other hand, a family that works to resist the temptation to relinquish control  over to Satan, and instead turns to the Lord asking for understanding, compassion and strength will find that problems are worked through and bonds are strengthened.  Gotta go, I hear yelling...

Paris Attacks

Yesterday was a horrific day in Paris.  Terrorist led multiple attacks throughout Paris.  So many people were killed and even more injured.  My cousin was in Paris that night and saw emergency vehicles go by all night. It is a country caught up in a conflict up epic proportions.  What does this have to do with family conflicts?  How does it apply to me?  We all have conflicts on a daily basis.  At least I do, and I think anyone with children does.  My 9 year old and 13 year old boys have a hard time getting along.  Perhaps it's because of their age difference, but in any case a long 6 hour round trip in one day did not help either.  I found that I needed to help them through several small "battles" through out the day.  They finally agreed to be friends when they wanted to share a game  at the restaurant  (restaurants are now providing "tablets" at the table) As I reflected on the hate being perpetuated in France, I thought of the family and how hate or love all starts there.  Generations of terrorists are teaching and breeding hate.  I imagine lessons of compassion, compromise and charity were not a part of their childhood.  I don't in any way make an excuse for their actions, but I understand that more than ever there is a war being waged on love.  Satan knows that if he can corrupt hearts and poison it, filling it with hate, he unleashes power to bring despair and pain to the good.  I constantly remind my boys that they really do love each other, that they are not always going to get along but their love for each other will either grow or be lost.

Here is a letter my 9 year old wrote to his other older brother that is on a mission.  It gives me hope that they are going to be o.k.

It reads: I miss you with all my heart. love, Michael   p.s. please pray that me and Matt can get along also we got an Acura.

So this week I feel like I need to address all the hoopla that is going on about the LDS policy on baptizing children whose parents are of the same sex.  I had thought there would be a sense of relief from same-sex unions that the LDS church would not actively try and "brainwash" their children.  It seems the dissenting voices are demanding that the church recognize same-sex parents as wholesome and rightous.  I happen to know several "gay" people, and happen to know they come from loving homes with parents that dearly love them.  I know a few that have close relationships with both parents.  How do they justify denying a child the love of a mother and a father?  

They want so bad to be validated, yet so many things we may want in this life are not the best for us.  The church has said marriage should be between a man and a woman because that "lifestyle" gives us the greatest potential for fulfillment and happiness.  This makes the LGBT angry that we would hold on to such "out dated" beliefs.  The church now has said children from LGBT unions should not be baptized.  I would think trying to encourage a child from such a union to be baptized into a religion that taught them that their parent's lifestyle was in opposition of our Heavenly Fathers's plan would be offensive to a LGBT couple.  But they've only used this as another rallying cry of discrimination by the church.  

The first time I saw this picture we were still dating.  It was before the digital age and I wondered why he had taken a picture of a bunch of rocks and I remember thinking he had wasted his film developing this picture.  It was years later when it dawned on me that he had spelled my name with the rocks.  He had been on a trip with some friends and had evidently been thinking of me.  I wonder what other signs of affections I've missed through the years.  Looking back I'm able to name a few:
-He sold his motorcycle to buy my wedding dress
-He stores my name in his phone as "Amy the Hot."
-He keeps his clothes in the laundry room so that when he gets up early he doesn't wake me.
-He does all the vacuuming and ironing
-He lets me have the final decision on almost everything.
-He wants me to go with him everywhere, even doctor's appointments.
-He always lets me drive the newer car.
-He always takes my side when I've felt wronged.

Sometimes it takes many small pieces/acts of kindness to see the message that the bigger picture offers.  I know what love looks like, it's written on the ground with rocks and it's spelled AMY.

YOU'VE GOT A FRIEND IN ME!

So yesterday my sweetheart and I were in the mall, shopping at the container store, having a great time planning a remodel for the kid's room.  I girl bends down in front of him to pick up some containers, and I look over to see him checking out this girl.  He looks over at me and knows he's busted.  So busted.  He turns beet red as I raise my eyebrows and shake my head at him.  Then I do something that probably surprised him, but surprised me even more.  I start laughing.  Yes I get it's horrendous behavior, and a much younger me would have probably walked right over and slapped him silly.  Even now I think he would have deserved it, but 22 years of marriage has made me realize that I really like this guy, even when he's not very likeable.  So instead of a long lecture, I say, "what were you thinking?  oh nevermind, I know what you were thinking."  And I let it go.  Sort of.

Why is marriage so hard?  I had four brothers so it wasn't a surprise to me that guys can be gross disgusting slobs.  I wasn't prepared for the differences in our gender to trigger arguments, like "Why can't you put the toilet seat down?!!!"  Which his response would be, "Why don't you put the toilet seat up?!!"  I'm right, right?

The first picture is my 8 year old son responding to my pleadings to get in the tub.  I found the writing on the wall the next day.  The next picture is of my daughter.  Oh so sweet and loving...and clean.  The last picture is of them together.

Yes we're different, it just can't be helped.  And it took having both a daughter and sons to appreciate it.  I love their differences, I wouldn't have them any other way.  My son is going to need that blunt outspoken attitude when he makes his way into the world.  My daughter is going to need that tender heart as she prepares to be a mother.

So back to the marriage.  It turns out I love that my husband thinks differently, acts and reacts differently than me.  I've realized that you can't choose some a la cart of traits that you want in a person.  They are whole and they are perfect in their imperfectness.  Every time tempers flares it is my very own testing ground to see if I will pass or fail the given situation.  Will I show compassion, forgiveness, understanding?  This process refines me, strengthens me, humbles me and makes me feel a little closer to my Savior.  So it seems our loving Heavenly Father knew all along that our differences would bring us together and closer to Him.